I am scared

(Just thinking aloud)

I am scared when everything falls in place


I am scared when there is no confusion

I am scared when I suddenly discover an important document which I have been searching for over 3 years

I am scared when I find out my almost-lost debit card

I am scared when I get all what I was looking for

I am scared when I unexpectedly receive some expensive gifts

Everything seems so perfect.

I am scared.

I am scared that after perfection comes chaos

So is the law of nature, I presume.

I am scared something is cooking, and would blow up at the wrong time

Let there be some imperfections, so that there is a balance.

I don’t want a full meal every day, every time

I would prefer to sleep hungry once in a while.

But sleep, I must.

Sleep peacefully.

I am scared.

I am scared of perfections.

Being me

I suffer from an ailment called “L'esprit de l'escalier” .

I know one other person who also has this issue - a character infact – Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan in ‘Youv’e got Mail’)

L'esprit de l'escalier (or l'esprit d'escalier, usually translated as "staircase wit") is the act of thinking of a clever comeback when it is too late to deliver it. The phrase can be used to describe a riposte to an insult or any witty remark that comes to mind too late to be useful, after one has left the scene of the encounter. The phenomenon is usually accompanied by a feeling of regret at not having thought of the retort when it was most needed or suitable.

(Source : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L'esprit_de_l'escalier)

Many a times I am tongue tied and will not be able to say what should have been said, but later when I think about the situation, I can picture myself saying that and walking away in slow motion with an atrocious background music. But alas, time machine is still a dream.

I wish I had said ‘Go to Hell” many a time

I wish I had said ‘No’, when I actually just smiled

I wish I had said ‘That’s not a god idea. How about this?”, when I actually said “That’s nice”

Wish I had met a Joe Fox (Tom Hanks of You've got Mail again)

I envy people who say what needs to be said at the right moment, and walk away with a smile. They have an impeccable presence of mind, and not carried away by emotions or random thoughts.

But once I tried.

I spoke out at the right moment.

I thought that will be the suitable reply.

I thought after that I will walk away with a victorious smile on my face.

But no. Nothing happened.

I felt all the more worse.

I spend the entire night tossing and turning cursing myself for having said that.

I repented.

I still do.

I will never be the same person in front of that other person again.

I felt terrible.

If you are of the kind who thinks giving a suitable reply not caring about the other person’s emotion, so be it. Or if you are like me, so be it.

The point is to be yourself.

Do not imitate, because if you do, you’ll end up acting stupid and won’t be able to sleep.

I have accepted that “L'esprit de l'escalier” is a part of my personality. I won’t feel bad anymore. I am me.

Peace be with me. Hallelujah!

Why grow up?

Me and a kid of about 4 years old got into a conversation

Me : What did you have for lunch today?

Kid : Nothing yet

Me : Why not?

Kid : Today we will all eat from the temple. There is annadaanam

Me : Oh is it? So what are you going to eat at the temple today?

Kid : Parotta and Chicken curry

Me : K

Trip to the past

Was away from the cloud for few days as I and family went for a trip to Thanjavur. Two years back, when I had just brought home the second hand car and when I could barely shift to the 4^th gear, if someone would have asked me to drive my car for more than 50 km, I would have dropped dead on the spot, but not any more. My confidence grew manifold when I covered about 500 km in less than 8 hours.  Yeah I know it is not a big deal, but for the fact that this is my first long trip in my 2005 model Alto LX, I feel happy.

Thanks to NHAI and Tamil Nadu Govt.for the excellent roads from the Aralvaymozhi – Trichy stretch. Made me wonder if it was really Indian roads – no potholes, no pits. For the major portion of the trip, I couldn’t drive under 90 kmph. It would be a crime to do so. My only fear was that the chassis of the car would fly off, unable to resist the speed. Wow! That was an experience, and driving long distances boosts your confidence.

 

[Image : http://www.thehindu.com/news/states/tamil-nadu/article42611.ece]

Big temple, Thanjavur was a long awaited destination. We wanted to visit the temple and it was in our ‘To Visit’ list for few years now (since our courtship days ;-) ). Having seen a lot of pictures and read about the history, surprisingly standing right at the front of the temple did not evoke any emotions. It was perhaps because of the crowd. Few schools also chose the same day to visit and the entire place was buzzing with lot of children in various uniforms. But the time we chose to visit was just perfect. It was evening and the natural backdrop was excellent. What caught my attention was the 1000 (?) shivalingas sculptured around the main temple, of which no two of them are identical in size, shape or dimensions.

Well maintained premises, except for the roads in the Thanjavur town. Very narrow, congested and illogically controlled traffic adds to the chaos.

I wonder why do some temples (and churches) gets prominence compared to others. Is it due to clever marketing? Or the age old beliefs? Can't quite comprehend.

I also wonder there is a temple very much similar to that of Padmanabha Swamy Temple in Trivandrum,. The temple which I refer to is located at Thiruvattar, a small sleepy village in Kanyakumari District, Tamil Nadu. I have been there couple of times and the maintenance is pathetic, mainly because they do not have the funds to maintain. If I am not wrong, the temple at Thiruvattar was also built by Marthanda Varma.

May be temples are also just like humans. Some prosper, some wither. Sigh!